I find it beautiful to go back and read my blog posts because I remember how each space felt at the time, and I can see how one manifests the next one, like a little seed that has been planted. Like a conversation with those parts that often seem unreachable, a conversation that goes something along the lines of "I see you, and I am trying, and I am not ashamed of being vulnerable and asking you for guidance on how to love you". This is how I feel each time I discover a part of me that needs tending, as I stand outside the door, like in my previous entry, "The Room".
Visualizing my emotional world has made it so much more manageable to face my "demons". I always found that concept so incredibly ambiguous and not helpful.
I seriously believe that the words and power we assign to things can play a huge role in their place in our lives. The first step in my visualization was changing the concept. I noticed a very big shift in me when I stopped calling them demons, and instead, started seeing them as spaces that really needed me. Spaces that needed mothering, love and care. Spaces where the pain from a younger me was being carried and gaining strength, digging deeper inside me, until they were acknowledged and approached with curiosity. Removing the "demon" out of the picture automatically makes the process less intimidating, less HUGE, confusing and cryptic.
The second step was seeing my emotional world as a bunch of hallways with doors, almost like a matrix. Some doors are open, and inside are gardens full of light, love and tenderness. They are the spaces that once held pain, and that I was able to transcend because I was able to move past the shame and judgment. I created that space to understand that no matter what the root is, all it needs is room to be heard and not judged, to be held and not suppressed. This mothering of self brings compassion, understanding and patience- like you would with your own child. Some doors are closed, and I can't visualize them clearly because I have not acknowledged them yet. I see them as opportunities that will present themselves when the time is right.
The real transformation happens when I see a closed door clearly, or slightly open. It could happen when I am triggered by something, and then I push that trigger a bit further by acknowledging it and trying to understand it. "Why does this seemingly silly thing hurt so deeply?", and I sit with it. Sometimes it feels like this huge, intimidating thing that is messy and dark, and I have no idea how to navigate it or even start to approach it. Instead of judging myself for feeling helpless in this stage, I trust that I have already started the process. I give it time, and as cheesy as it may sound, I know the answers are all inside me waiting to come out whenever I am ready. This acknowledgement of the trigger and attempt at understanding it is the way I tell those spaces that I am ready. Suddenly, those dark, confusing waters, turn into a door that I now see clearly. And believe it or not, it makes me so excited because I know that the magic is about to begin. And I know this because I have been sitting outside of that door in places that are now gardens.
The hallways do not have a particular direction, and I do not see them as leading me to an end-goal. It just happened like that in my mind, and I think that is because each part of the process, each door, has such deep importance, that it should not be made smaller by comparing it to an ultimate goal. I now understand that pain is delicate, and vulnerable, and it needs intentionality in order to transform.
The more doors that I open, the more I realize that the pain that has been with me for so long can slowly be transformed into tender spaces where I am able to liberate it (and in turn, myself). The more doors that I open, the less intimidating and shameful those dark waters become, because I begin to trust myself that I got this! Because I've done it before. Because I was able to transform a part of me that felt like an extra limb, and turn it into magic that made me softer and stronger. I stopped hurting people with my words, I stopped carrying anger... things that hurt me ten-fold. I began understanding why I did it, and it made me want to run to little me and hug her. I am now catching myself early in situations that would usually make me spiral and trigger me into those spaces. I really never though that would be possible. I have never felt so free.
Last night I discovered a new door. I cried so much because something that I could not pin-point was hurting over a dinner I had with some friends. I was so triggered, and could not understand why. I allowed myself to feel, to cry, to be present, and I caught myself judging myself. I observed. And I gave it space. Instead of judging myself for judging myself, I had compassion and remembered that the magic was about to begin. I woke up this morning, and I felt that door starting to open, so I wrote this entry. This morning I realized that I have started the steps to feel a little bit more free.
Little me is proud of us.